Why I write and Why are we here

I write because I am in pain. I write because I am feeling sad. I write because I am feeling loss. I write because I am feeling helpless. I write because I am feeling such an incredible sense of hopeless despair. I write because I have had way too much wine to drink. I write because my cheeks are wet with tears. I write because life is more than I can bear. I write because I feel weak. I write because I do not believe in miracles. I write because I felt my sister’s tears tonight upon my cheek. I write because I can not bear the thought of Emily burying another baby less than twelve months from her first, our sweet sweet Lillie. I write because I do not understand Lillie’s death. I write because I do not understand why a mother would be asked to bury her second child so soon after burying her first. I write because I am angry. I write because I do not know what to do. I write because I am overwhelmed with grief. I write because I can do nothing else. I write with the hopes that my tears will cease, that grief will pass; I write in hopes that I will one day be whole.

Today I sat at the hospital. Thursday I sat at the hospital. My mind is still at the hospital. My grief is everywhere. What should I say when my heart asks “why are we here?” We are here to support Emily. We are here to support Michael. We are here because we should be here. What should I say when my heart asks “why are we here?” We are here because we are loyal to family. We are here because we love my sister. We are here because our feelings can not possibly compare with what Emily and Michael are feeling. What should I say when my heart asks “why are we here?” We are here because I can not be a mother. We are here because I have no child. We are here because I am not worthy to bring a child into this world on my own accord. We are here because I am inadequate. We are here because I love. We are here because I don’t love. We are here because there is no other place to be but in our pain. We are here because the tears are still falling as happiness is calling, yet death surrounds us just the same. We are here because we are frightened by the possibility of not being here. We are here because our chest aches and we need to find the reasons why. We are here because we need straight A’s this semester to receive a scholarship. We are here because we have work to do. We are here because we don’t want to face work. We are here because our tears have not stopped. We are here because the world is cruel. We are here because the sun will rise and bring with it new work to be done. Another day. Another trial. Another hell. Another emptiness that should be filled with child.