once beloved . . . now disgusted

For what purpose does the library serve? I have spent my entire life believing that the library was a catalyst for understanding and growth. Perhaps my expectations of four walls enclosing a forest full of trees fall not far enough from the parting of the sea. Once a beloved world of fantasy and unbeknownst possibility, the library has become little more than disappointment. Every book I search for is not available, not only are these titles not in the library where I am physically standing at that moment – but the books I am searching for are not in the Utah state library catalogue, period. The first couple of times this happened I made the assumption it was purely coincidental. I would inevitably come home from visiting a friend in the East and in my pocketbook would be a list of books to read – books she recommended- book titles from her once ever growing bookshelves -books recommended in the Washington Post – books from the shelves of the Hirshhorn Museum gift shop – more recently books from the Phillips Collection – for years I have made little lists of books. I excused the library’s lack of books on human sexuality as an example of Utah culture. I told myself that titles recommended by the Washington Post were not of interest to the average Utah resident. Art books can be expensive, and often book titles carried at the museum are from small publishing houses. Other books for which I have searched the library catalogue come from my ever growing Amazon wish list; books on incorporating beeswax into collage, books concerned with painting techniques, the content of these books can be very specific, making it understandable that a library would not include them in their purchase order. But enough is enough. I am done making excuses. Autobiographies of American Women: An Anthology by Jill Ker Conway is a book I began reading in August while visiting my friend, she picked it up at the Arlington Virginia library. My local library does not carry this title; not a single library in the state of Utah carries this title. This is not a manual on safe sex - therefore it should not pose a threat to those open-minded individuals who feel endangered by such titles as “She Comes First” or “He Comes Next”. This is not a book professing one religion over another. This book has no political agenda. To my knowledge its author is not an enemy of the state of Utah. Why is this title not available? I can personally attest that the half of this book which I have already read is profound and beautiful; short biographies of 25 American women, women who illustrate the meaning of womanhood – these women are strong, intelligent, resourceful, independent, courageous…these 25 women emulate those qualities which are rarely seen in the best possible versions of ourselves. In this decade, perhaps more than any other, we need their example; we need their leadership. Am I asking too much? You can walk into the library and find numerous titles on making a pot roast, yet few (if any) on making peace. Disturbing.

I could not find this book on eBay, too cherished to part with; nor could I find it in the used book store. I will end up buying a new copy – which will go directly to the library after I have finished reading it.