I stood outside tonight. Under winters canopy I watched the snow fall onto lash and cheek; I felt it melt against my skin. A priceless work, not seen upon museum walls, snowfall under moonlight.

My footprint is slowly vanishing, by morning, erased by fallen snow.

So much loss

I have yet to share my thoughts on the death of my niece Lilly, thirteen months later and I am unable to think of her without the presence of tears, such a tiny little bundle of pink, so much love shared during such a brief life. Barbara and I were there during Emily’s labor, in fact, Barbara heard Lilly’s heartbeat long before Lilly entered this world. Emily took Barbara to a prenatal office visit, Barbara was so delighted to have heard the heartbeat, she talked to the doctor who was going to deliver Emily’s little baby girl, she understood that Lilly’s birth would be a challenge yet, like Emily, her anticipation and excitement were not thwarted. Barbara was a part of Lilly’s birth.

Two weeks ago Barbara was a part of Ryker’s death. We watched as Emily’s little baby boy took his last breaths of life. Barbara sat in one of a pair of rocking chairs that had been brought into the room; she rocked him, gently kissing his cold little head. Barbara wanted to hold him, to rock him, to tell him she loved him. Barbara wanted to be there. I wanted to run. From the moment we entered the room I struggled to keep my feet firmly planted onto the hard linoleum floor. Each breath I took felt heavier than the last. If I just stood still I would be able to remain standing. I wished in desperation that I could give him my own heart, that he could have life. Yet his was already gone. In thirteen months my sister would bury both her first and second born. The odds of having a child with a rare brain defect followed by a child with such a rare heart defect are one in one million. Almost a million other mothers spared the grief and loss of losing not one, but two of their children. Two tiny white caskets in such a short period of time.

It is much easier for me to recount a part of the experience through Barbara than myself. I too held his cold little body; I too rocked him and kissed his beautiful little head of hair. I did not want to let him out of my arms, if only I could warm his little body. Each breath carefully exhaled to provide a source of warmth.

We buried him in the frozen winter ground on Wednesday. Beside Lilly he now lies. This was my first time to her grave since we placed Lilly beneath the earth. I was angered to find no headstone, no place to leave her a summer bouquet; just a small metal stake with her name. The headstone of a carved angel should lay at her feet, at least a metal urn, perhaps a proper stone with her name, an attestation of her brief life. And now, another needed for her brother as well.

Finished at last

The semester is over. I took my last exam earlier this evening. Walking out of the library and into the white of falling snow I thought of CS Lewis’s wardrobe, he walks his main character through a musk filled web of forgotten cloaks, as she disembarks from the wardrobes end she finds herself in a winters wonderland, only this is not familiar snow; her feet tread softly, forward, onto a blanket of white she embarks, an unseen world awaits for her.

In comparison, I thought to myself, school is my wardrobe. And when I find myself at my own wardrobes end, what might I find awaiting me?

I really should try to not be so subtle

I voted against Referendum 1. Had the bill passed, I would be among the hundreds of concerned citizens preparing to take legal action through the Utah Supreme Court. If the Utah Supreme Court failed to uphold the Utah State Constitution, the next stop would be the United States Supreme Court. Why would I join thousands of others in a costly legal battle? I do not have children, how am I even affected by school vouchers? As a citizen of the state of Utah I have a responsibility to uphold the State Constitution. As a citizen of the state of Utah I have a responsibility to ensure that both elected and appointed state officials uphold the Utah State Constitution. And when the Constitution is threatened, when the right of every child to obtain an education is threatened, when corporations seek to amend the State Constitution in efforts to decrease their property taxes - you can be assured that I will raise my voice.
I do not intend for this to be a long explanation on why school vouchers are unconstitutional, why they are funded and driven by those seeking to increase profits for shareholders, I do not need to tell you how school vouchers discriminate and whom they discriminate against. My husband wrote an exceptional paper on school vouchers that covered in detail these topics, any attempt I would make at doing the same would come up short in comparison, and as him and I have talked at great length about this issue it would be difficult for me to avoid plagiarizing some of his ideas. I do not need to convince you that school vouchers have the potential to do irreparable harm, if you look past the propaganda and hype, if you read House Bill 148 for yourself instead of relying on paid commercial actors to explain it, if you take the time to compare it to other school voucher bills, the few that have passed in other states, you will understand why we need to stand up and say NO to Referendum 1. I do not wish to convince you of what I know to be true. It is far more powerful when we seek out the truth ourselves, when we think for ourselves.
So what do we do now? We raise our voice. We share with others the importance of standing up, the importance of defending our State Constitution, the importance of defending the right of every child to receive a good education, not just those chosen for admittance to parochial schools, not only the children who can financially pay for a good education, not only the children deemed bright enough by a school administrator, but all children, regardless of academic ability or religious background. I am convinced that as long as the dollar has value, regardless of what shape it takes, as long as men desire more, as long as the earth revolves around the sun – we will have a need to defend our right to education, our right to life and liberty, our right to live in peace, our right to free speech, there are even those fighting for their right to love. I cannot comprehend how a civilized society could possibly require one to defend the act of loving another. Many of us feel safe and protected. Many of us feel secure in our homes, secure in our jobs, secure that our rights will always be defended. We are so comfortable that we do little to ensure these same rights for others. This is the same security felt by those who had spent their lives attending synagogue with their fathers and mothers, their children and wives; fathers and mothers who never imagined that one day their children would not be allowed the same education as other children because they chose to attend synagogue instead of mass. Parents who never imagined their child could be denied opportunity because of test scores. Yet one powerful campaign of propaganda led a nation to remove the most fundamental rights within its own society; it began with the burning of books, it ended with the burning of bodies.
I am not asking that we lose our sense of security; I am asking that we stop taking it for granted and demand it be offered to all.
It begins with something as seemingly innocent as a school voucher, instead of improving our educational system, a priority that does not profit big business and therefore does not become a bill, we offer the chance of a better education to the few who can afford it or those who present the highest probability of increased test scores or a win for the schools basketball team.
Or, we can just say screw the lower middle class, if they want a good education let their parents get a third or fourth job to pay for it; of course we then run the risk of losing our janitorial staff.