Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Monday, November 10, 2008
I stood upon the second step of the Cosco kitchen ladder. This placed me in arms reach of the dough. My very own ball of dough. And my own miniature pans, awaiting the arrival of my misshapen loaves. I can still recall the scent of the rising bread mixed with the floral notes of my grandmother’s perfume.
My own parents have wanted grandchildren of their own for as long as I can remember. My mother began collecting baby things years ago, in anticipation of grandchildren she purchased baby clothes, baby blankets, miniature aprons and child sized rolling pins, a baby bassinet, baby shoes, soft animals, toddler toys . . . the list goes on and on. Years before my younger siblings were even of the age to date my mother was making plans to be a grandmother. Grandparents camp in the summer, special trips to grandma and grandpas house, trips to the zoo, to museums, explorations in the backyard. Her ideas are endless. I stood in her kitchen, now five years ago, and she commented to me on the age of the grandchildren she would have had, if I had given her grandchildren sometime during the first few years of my marriage. “I could have a grandchild turning eight this year” she said. Imagine me, a mother of an eight year old child. Imagine me a mother at all. Her remark was painful. Knowing of my infertility how could she even have the balls to say it?
My childlessness has placed a wedge between my parents and I. I have been deprived of the closeness one has between mother and daughter and grandchild. The forgiveness one receives upon betrothing their parents with grandchildren. The bond formed when a mother watches her own daughter receive her newborn babe into her daughter’s arms. The pride on my father’s face as he watches his grandsons first ballgame. I, alone, am not enough. Neither in their world nor mine.
My own parents have wanted grandchildren of their own for as long as I can remember. My mother began collecting baby things years ago, in anticipation of grandchildren she purchased baby clothes, baby blankets, miniature aprons and child sized rolling pins, a baby bassinet, baby shoes, soft animals, toddler toys . . . the list goes on and on. Years before my younger siblings were even of the age to date my mother was making plans to be a grandmother. Grandparents camp in the summer, special trips to grandma and grandpas house, trips to the zoo, to museums, explorations in the backyard. Her ideas are endless. I stood in her kitchen, now five years ago, and she commented to me on the age of the grandchildren she would have had, if I had given her grandchildren sometime during the first few years of my marriage. “I could have a grandchild turning eight this year” she said. Imagine me, a mother of an eight year old child. Imagine me a mother at all. Her remark was painful. Knowing of my infertility how could she even have the balls to say it?
My childlessness has placed a wedge between my parents and I. I have been deprived of the closeness one has between mother and daughter and grandchild. The forgiveness one receives upon betrothing their parents with grandchildren. The bond formed when a mother watches her own daughter receive her newborn babe into her daughter’s arms. The pride on my father’s face as he watches his grandsons first ballgame. I, alone, am not enough. Neither in their world nor mine.
Birth. the emergence of a new individual from the body of its parent. the act or process of bringing forth young from the womb. beginning , start. lineage , extraction. to bring forth or be brought forth as a child or young.
to bring forth : bear. the point at which something begins. origination, rise; bearing, childbearing, labor, parturition; begetting, breeding, fathering, generation, mothering, reproduction, siring, spawning; fatherhood, maternity, motherhood, parenthood, paternity.
Birth. Elusive. Unempowering. Loss. Defeat. Pain. Singularity. Fugitive. Unobtainable. Evasive. Removed. Apart. Isolated. Unapproachable. unreachable, untouchable. Withdraw. deprivation, dispossession, penalty; sacrifice; bereavement, agony, distress, pain, suffering, torment; dejection, depression, desolateness, desolation, despondency, disconsolateness, dispiritedness, distress, doldrums, downheartedness, dreariness, forlornness, gloom, heartsickness, joylessness, melancholy, misery, oppression, sadness, unhappiness, wretchedness; regret, remorse, rue, affliction, anguish, dolefulness, dolor, grief, heartache, heartbreak, woe.
to bring forth : bear. the point at which something begins. origination, rise; bearing, childbearing, labor, parturition; begetting, breeding, fathering, generation, mothering, reproduction, siring, spawning; fatherhood, maternity, motherhood, parenthood, paternity.
Birth. Elusive. Unempowering. Loss. Defeat. Pain. Singularity. Fugitive. Unobtainable. Evasive. Removed. Apart. Isolated. Unapproachable. unreachable, untouchable. Withdraw. deprivation, dispossession, penalty; sacrifice; bereavement, agony, distress, pain, suffering, torment; dejection, depression, desolateness, desolation, despondency, disconsolateness, dispiritedness, distress, doldrums, downheartedness, dreariness, forlornness, gloom, heartsickness, joylessness, melancholy, misery, oppression, sadness, unhappiness, wretchedness; regret, remorse, rue, affliction, anguish, dolefulness, dolor, grief, heartache, heartbreak, woe.
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